Hacked Aching Dreams 2
Im struggling with several things. Ive been in a relationship with a person that has been in love with me for 10 years, and has been cheating on me for 4 years. I still dont believe any of it. Its been this way with him and it has been unbelievable, sometimes infuriating, sometimes overwhelming, so much so in the last 3 years that I lost 3 bouts of anorexia, one of which was a total and complete breakdown that caused me to be in the hospital for four days. I can remember almost everything about it, even the doctors saying that my anorexia was like a cold that would not go away and never could go away. I say that because at the time I remember the anorexia wasnt even at its strongest and was probably the worst it could ever get, and yet I remember every last second of those few days and yet I still dont believe that I ever would let him see me at that horrible point. Also, he has an amazing girlfriend now, though hes still cheating on her and I cant do anything about it, but it has been much different since I moved out on my own and Im certain of this. Its been quite a year for me, I have had depression, anorexia, anxiety, somatoform disorder, and bipolar 1, and had to get medication for my anorexia, Ive had two school suspension (of which they couldnt prove anything) and have been in the hospital twice in the last year due to the anorexia. Ive had to find three doctors to get medication for my anorexia, and the first time I went to one for the first pill my insurance company thought I was lying about my symptoms. Ive had to go to a therapist, because I was going to hurt myself, and cant keep any food down at all. Its been a madhouse. I now live with my mom, who is in her 8th year of college too, and for the last couple of years, she has tried so hard to make it work between her and I, and Im sure its helped a lot. Ive been in college for the last three years and I have found a job and Ive been learning that Im a lot stronger than I had ever realized, but I still have anxiety. I have so many dreams of him pulling his gun on me or him putting a phone up to my ear and whispering in my ear to kill myself. Its upsetting and Ive tried to get counseling and therapy and its helped a lot, but it wont go away and I think its because I still feel like Im so defenseless against him, because he has the whole world, a new girlfriend and a great job. I spend so much time crying and thinking about him and dreaming about him that I feel like I do, and that I dont know how to get away from it all. I want to, I really do. Also, I think that the dreams are more about my depression, my anorexia, my anger, my sadness, than about him, but I cant stop them. I do feel better knowing they are real, but Im so disturbed by them. I feel like I can feel so much pain and anger, yet its just not real, but I think its about me, my anger, my sadness, my depression, my bad sleep, my lack of faith or strength or power. Ive had that feeling I always felt in my anorexia, that I didnt eat, that I didnt sleep, that I had no power over me. I can remember so many times I would imagine myself killing myself and I remember what a horrible feeling that was, like I was trying to destroy myself, I felt that I couldnt destroy myself.
hacked aching dreams 2